Overcoming Adversity: Finding Strength and Resilience in the Face of Deception and Obstacles

So I just had my recovery Anniversary. And, yeah, recently tried a couple of new in person meetings as I trusted my higher power's guidance instead of only attending zoom meetings.

I found 1 particular fellowship meeting, and went there a few times, felt good, I even shared. And yeah then there was some business meeting, I thought, okay. Well, I put myself out there. I took that service position. Share finder.

I stayed because it's a in the fellowship of AA they say. Attend business meetings because it keeps one sober as well. In this regards, I just thought of that quote, that it will work out for me there too. Right.

However, I started reaching out for speakers because that's my position. Anyway, so I went to the meeting today. Came, and I was a bit late again. But I was very busy and caught up, and I also got my period 2 hours before.

I cycled nearly 30 to 40 minutes. Anyway, I felt awesome. I felt good.

Then I arrived, there was a bloody noise in the room after flushing.

And the whole building is vibrating and makes that utterly strange noise. I entered the room after that noise vanished.

I felt embarrassed and entered the room on silent toes like walking on egg shells. Sat next to the open, French window, and, someone was sharing. So I sat down and listened.

Suddenly, this fellow who was sitting in front of me, gave me that look and came towards me and showed me what was topic of discussion for the day. It was tool number 8. And that felt like, oh, great. I'm really part of the group thing. And, you know, I really appreciated it.

So I was reading a bit, and then, you know, was putting it by side to be able to listen to people's shares. And then at some point, I was ready to share, I shared. And as soon as I said my name, you know, and the program label, there was this silence. I was looking around, and then I said hello again. There was nothing. no response at all.

And there was this clear sign, but, like, you know, my inner voice saying, they actually don't want you here in that room. right. But, nevertheless, I started sharing because it was my time. And, you know, I always thought, well, meeting is a meeting. You know?

And it's safe anyway to share. No. It's not, I realized. Today, in a very profound way, I don't regret that I shared because I really followed my heart, and I needed to share because I can't always hide and, you know, playing low profile and, you know, even where I live and these surroundings. It's like wild wild west, you know, walking around with a body cam. Where I need to be alert constantly and watching over my shoulders.

I mean, that's fucking insane. You know?

Anyway, I shared quite openly, but also very humble and very reflective, not blaming anyone nor anything. Also shared about some past stuff.

past stuff from last year and, you know, where I lived in between and, you know, all these kind of things, but very reflective and humble. No blaming and really related to the subject. And they were partly hanging on my lips, honestly.

It felt like being with my family of origin. It was like an elephant in the room. But I didn't regret it because it felt good to just, you know, be my authentic self and just show up and share. And I was not even, like, sad or dwelling in self pity. I was just sharing.

But, you know, why not? Who wants to hear always the same stories? Just because a lot of people live very similar programmed lives. And I don't judge it.

It's just, like, what it is. Yeah. And at the end, there was, like, still time for one more share, and I really felt this burning desire to share a bit more. You know? So I went on sharing briefly.

This time, I didn't say my name, Nor the label, I didn't bother. because what's the point? They don't say hello anyway.

They were all English, just saying despite the fact I am a British citizen by now but not born and raised here. I get this hate sh hinges sometimes and I hear that also by other foreigners.

So I shared a bit more and also talking about the farm animals. reflecting, going back, and saying, like it all makes sense in the end.

You know, it was also kind of fate because there was a reason we had to be there on that farm. Especially because of my baby cow for instance. And, yeah, here we go again. I faced utterly emotional abuse tonight. Well, you normally go to those places to gain strength or clarity, power, encouragement. They were ice cold these fellows, pretty disgusting.

I gained emotional abuse without attacking anyone - Yeah. And that was a tough reality to swallow. I'm really considering maybe not to go to in person meetings again, I guess, what's the point?

They're actually not safe at all. But on the other hand, there's so many. I'll still keep looking around and find another one. Oh, maybe a different community. Who knows?

I just want to be with like minded people, for fuck's sake. I just want to be with my tribe. And, of course, fellowship as such is not my tribe and is related to recovery or being recovered from addiction and stuff like that and being of service. You know? It's also a healthy addition to your life Truly, what's the point?

in addition to quality of life. It was the opposite tonight. Then at the end, they asked, like, if there are any announcements? I, raised my hand and said yes, because of my service position.

I just wanted to reconfirm that it's just once a month the speaker thing because some meetings have every other week, the speakers for 15 minutes or so. I added I'm already reaching out to find 1, and you could cut the air.

Also, after I shared, you know, some stuff from the farm and, you know, what I went through, even recent events, even that Bangladeshi landlord and all his BS. It was too much what I shared. And I didn't even overshare. I triggered them which wasn't my intention at all.

I just, you know, said what it is, and I was not even blaming anyone. I was very much in the now. I don't know. I even said I'm still working the steps and stuff like that, but it wasn't right.

yeah. you know, and there was also another clear sign, or let's call it red flag. they don't want me there. I could feel the hate in this room it was so uncomfortable. well, fuck it then, it's just a service position, isn't it.

But there was such an elephant in the room after the meeting. And I was also kind of a bit emotional, but, you know, still in the moment kind of thing. And I then remember I thought, oh, yeah. I get some literature because it's really good to read program literature.

So I got a brochure for £ 2.50 and asked something.... no one looked me into the eyes. It was they were just turning away and circling. And even the literature person stayed away. So her partner did then take the money, and he was just standing there and stiffed up.

he could couldn't look into my eyes and he's, by the way, in the substance fellowships too for a decade. And he didn't even say, well done. Good job you know, for your milestone. Or that anyone says what's normally happening when you go to a meeting, especially face to face, you always have a person who says then, good to see you. Was good to hear you. Etcetera.

I like your share or, you know, any like, you know, they say something. some warmth, like one warm phrase. You know? Or what's your name again? Nothing.

I was completely alienated, and then I felt even more weird because I could clearly feel the elephant since I sat down. And I said things that can actually happen to anyone. And it just showed that, you know, I was still, like, sober. I was still doing my program no matter what's coming, willing to do service and stuff. You know?

Talked about my new addition, special practice to really clear out my wreckage, like, why I was attracting these situations with this abuse and stuff. Like, you know, like, really deep stuff. And one fellow, I know her for many years from the rooms, and she always comes, how are you? She barely could look at me and said not even hello. She kind of just nodded her head.

Okay........

Her partner just lost his son, and she was completely shattered last week. Everyone was surrounding her. Even I came around, acknowledged her. I didn't ignore her.

why should I stand there, like in the third row, left in the cold?

No. So I said bye, left it was so odd and so obvious and not healthy for me and what I need. I don't know. I learned the hard way if one is not wanted you'd better turn away and go your way towards where you'd be eventually wanted. The question is: Do I want myself? yes, I do.

And then I think, why should I do fucking service for you even for free? No. That's scandalous for 12 Step Fellowships.

You know what I mean? It's not the first time. Anyway, I took my bike, went for a ride to the grocery store, was chatting with my Mexican friend. She's a wonderful artist. And she was available and listened, she's in Mexico.

She was just there, and she encouraged me. And then I see the guy who was sitting next to me in this odd ice cold meeting I just came out from. Apparently, he can't stand that, you know, when someone double dibs exactly as he remembered me doing ones in a meeting, which is, like, 5, 6 years ago. In Crouch End.

It was in my old neighborhood, and he left there too, he remembered I once shared twice. Oh my goodness Thats a huge crime.

Sometimes in meetings, you can share twice because there's a couple of thoughts coming up and if there is plenty of time left so why fucking not?????. And there's nothing wrong with that at all. But, yeah, it kind of it sets him off. I think it even sets him me entering the room. Sorry, but I am not sorry. This fellow became a therapist in recovery battling his substance addictions.

You know? It doesn't matter. But he's a therapist, and he prides himself being such a great private therapist and stuff like that and art therapy, whatsoever. Anyway, he passed by to that very same grocery store and made such an effort to walk past me and really keep his head to the left side instead of keeping his head straight to really pretend not to see me. What a fucking fuck?

You're fucking kidding me? , what a bunch of poor, empty souls here. Is that what it is? They're empty. And I was just astonished and, you know, I shook my head.

But then it made me so sad. How sad. How unnecessary. Why? Why?

Just because I'm not like you? Or just because I'm not predictable ? Excuse me, you fuck face. Yeah. I'm very much hated. I am aware of that. God made me and I am a precious child of God.

Where shall I go?

Last few years in particular? Not everywhere. it's quite random.

It's like when I enter rooms, I'm never invisible. So people turn around. I think Do I look, I don't know. Strange?

I don't know. Ugly? Scary? I should know. Okay.

You know, I know my worth, and I have to live with myself. I have to love me, and I do love me, and I do like me. I'm truly grateful for who I am. Why shouldn't I? I have a heart of gold.

I'm perfectly imperfect. I have a lot of great assets, and I will list them here now. You know? Yeah. And then, you know, I was sobbing shortly, and it was, like, great to talk to that lovely, wonderful Mexican artist and cycled home.

very sudden a feeling of fun overcame me. There is this strength in me.

" You can do whatever you want, and you can go wherever you want. And, you know, you claim your seed."

You know? Next time you go there, and you just fucking tuned in together. You know? Do your thing. Maybe you don't share next time.

You know? Just go there. And I was, like, spinning around what I would share, and, you know, in my spinning around I came up with some passive aggressive thoughts, and I realized, no. Don't do that. Don't say anything.

Just be humble. Yeah. At the end, hours later, I was sobbing in between you know? Because I didn't do anything wrong. Just wanted to go to a meeting, and I didn't want to feel worse where I actually felt good before, which is a clear indicator.

It's not the right crowd. Definitely not. But it was so unnecessary. Because last week, we were chatting, like bonding, especially after I attended the business meeting, and tonight I was just left in the fucking cold. And it's not that I don't know how it feels.

I know that. So now I say, as it's nearly 5 AM now, still not sleeping, I'm not going there again. Why should I? And I was really looking forward to that meeting. Yep.

And that shows me, next time I decide for a service position, I will take some time really simple one. That way, you don't have to do any fucking admin. You know?

Why not making tea? Oh, no. It reminds me of hospitality. But anyway and maybe I go more often to this particular meeting until I'm very 100% sure I feel comfortable there. Where I feel welcome. Where I feel appreciated. That doesn't mean I need to be liked by everyone. Well, you know, I don't need to go somewhere to experience emotional abuse. That's it.

Full stop.

I get through this. This too shall pass. Just need a good rest.

And my pets, you know, I came back home, and my pets, they feel sad, and they're worried, and they think, why is she so sad again? What happened? She's working so hard. She's doing so much. They are so kind.

I don't want that they're sad because someone was shit to me that they are affected by that. Always. You know where I live here? Can't even show.

Not the slightest sign of weakness because that's deadly. Actually we will be soon in a better place, so I trust, have faith. I'll leave it there. Thank you.

One day at a time..... one moment at a time.... love is all around......Namasté.