Fake Gurus and other cowards

I love spiritual events from time to time. I am just slightly annoyed of all kinds of fake gurus who seems to make a huge profit out of their guru presence. Well, I tell myself

live and let live right. yes exactly.

same at spiritual events apparently, they are advertising their special deals for such and such horrendous sums not affordable for everyone.

Ok, last weekend I went spontaneously to an ecstatic dance down here at this very pretty coastal town where I am based for the moment, to get fresh air and new ideas.

it was good. The only thing was as it is a very small town and luckily around the corner of my beloved London, there was someone I did not expected to see ever again in my life.

Even it is a small town I sincerely thought I would never cross path with this bloke ever again. but it happened this very last Saturday on a full moon.

and I was shocked to see him, was almost running out of the dance hall and took quickly my mobile to message a friend and so on, as I didn't know where to put this and theses emotions which also unexpectedly popped up. I buried everything so thoroughly, obviously not thoroughly enough as there was a traumatic incident which took place.

I was glad I could let go then of this and enjoy the music and go with the flow and free myself.

one thing I learned the last two days

running away from emotions is never working out as they can come back when you least expect them. at the end which is most often the case at an ecstatic or five Rythm dance there is a very slow or classic song. and boom the pictures came back and all that and this sadness and the feeling of loss and everything what it did to me.

I don't wish anyone to be betrayed, it is a very unfortunate feeling, especially when it happens in your most vulnerable moments of life, where your life is at stack.

this guy freaked out completely out of the blue and destroyed everything. I felt safe with him as I never felt with anyone. we wanted to move in together. I mean partly as I love my solitude, I am a creator, and he is often business wise abroad. so perfect. we had until this ugly turn out a very nice time, lots of laughter and so on and seriously I kept it by the book as much as I could and reflected and checked in with friends and so on. from all sites I got confirmations to go with the flow and give it a try / seems to be a good guy.

he was not. a sausage a massive backstabber

who wanted to put his little willie in the early morning hours while I was sleeping into me without my bloody consent nor awareness nor participation.

That's gross. and sad, cause we girls want to get it on and hot and such and so juicy and all that.

so, I was suddenly awake said 5 times no and pushed him away.

I even said and meant it a hundred percent that he could jerk off in front of me. which is kind of sexy depending on whom and so on.

and suddenly he freaked out, cancelled our bonding relationship and everything we wanted to do in a few seconds. and out of his mouth came only aggressiveness, insecurity and bs fuckery nonstop that I had enough as I firstly said let's talk letter after proper sleep, I needed to sleep, and he did not stop, and I did not want to scream as I realized I was raising my voice and there was such a strange energy in the room. I lost control and yeah was running naked through garden and came back in and he continued with his fuckery, so I said very up front

thanks for the time we had, and it would be better if he leaves NOW.

and he got worse. he ripped me apart with his words and I realized what step four says that no argument nor retaliation, as it was useless to say anything, so I stopped and sat there quiet, felt completely numb and sad

all of a sudden, he switched and said we could go into nature and meditate and chant together????

what the fuck????!!!!!!??????

I have to say I did not know anymore how to get through this situation as I was so utterly surprised and did not know if he could even get more violent.

he sat in front of me and said

he is my friend

I just mumbled numb

NO

he shrugged and asked if he is my enemy

I Said "NO"

I will get over it!

I mean I experienced much worse in my live, and this is probably why I could handle this situation so quickly.

I shared with some women I met randomly on a dance event without naming that person.

and they congratulated me how incredibly well I handled the situation.

I mean most women are trained to just go ahead and let them do whatever they just feel or urge to do with the women. Which is so sad that it still is the case nowadays in our modern times.

Feeding the misogynist.

nevertheless, I felt so lost, betrayed, utterly lonely and I got sick, and was only by myself again and to pick up the pieces to put them together in me/ again just by myself. So, I say he did not like me nor was he my friend and had serious intention I mean my goodness. no, he was cruel, and he did clearly give a fuck. Sorry for my French. I felt so confused and a day before we were together for a bloody long day and tuning in a gentle mode into a potential great adult relationship. He even gave me a ring. he lied with everything he said. A player who played himself at the end.

Yes, I do love flowers and all that.

what a sad fuckup. May he find his happiness elsewhere.

I was surprised to see how gently and soft his energy was last Saturday. Because unfortunately, we could never clear the air, as he ghosted me and messaged me just from time to time after that very shallow. I had a fucking cruel nightmare about him which had on top a massive impact on me and blocked him and prayed to never cross path with him until last Saturday. I mean I am glad that I saw his energy and could restore order in me and especially this nightmare dream I have had a few months ago.

I have no use of COWARDS. they have no spine. life is not always on roses for sure.

so, for the record:

No weapon is formed against me that shall prosper. may they find their happiness elsewhere

I know my worth and all-encompassing love shines through me

God hired me so who the fuck is going to fire me. you feel me????